My how things change

If someone had of told me a week ago that I would be in this position today I would never have believed them. It's funny how the world works, throwing different people and opportunities in your direction just when you least expect it. Opening up a new door as another one closes.

As humans we tend to focus on the here and the now when it comes to pain or suffering, but when it comes to the potential for love and happiness we look into the future and forget to live in the now. A month ago my boyfriend and I broke up, and I was told by the surgeons that I had to get my intestines out. I was devastated. But life goes on, and things change. And now I'm in a completely different situation to the 1st of December, and in fact I feel like a completely new woman. It's incredible.

I guess the point of this little rant is to say that it is a new year starting tomorrow. If you fall in love, I advise to live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is. Don't get too caught up in a future that hasn't happened and may never happen. Just enjoy yourself. If you go through pain or heartbreak, know that it will pass, just as it did with me. Time heals everything and here I sit today starting a new year with my intestines in my body, a smile on my face, and a happy heart.

Have a fantastic NYE everyone, and remember to spend at least a little time evaluating the last year and deciding what you want for 2011.

xx

T

PS: Shopboy is in the "no go" zone for blogs right now... got in trouble for writing about him. I still will... but i'll wait a month or so till the heat dies down. Stay tuned...

2nd date and counting... the heat is on!!

Oh god... so we went to the beach. And I told him about my tummy. And I told him about my family. And he took me out to lunch. And we made out like teenagers again. It was HOT!!!

I don't even remember how we went from... oh yeah I do actually... so that's right... I was saying goodbye and he went in for the kiss again. Half an hour later we were still making out. Farrrk he was insatiable! It's like our bodies moved together like a separate tune and my head finally stopped saying no! Yiiieeeehhaaaa does that mean I'm cured from the break up? Is this what finding a good rebound is all about? Going to first base for hours on end? Hahaha oh to be 15 again. You know holding out cause your not ready actually has it's advantages. A simple kiss provides much pleasure with only 10% of the anguish as a rebound um well you know.. a rebound one night stand. I much prefer taking it slow.

And I figure there is no rush at all. This way I get to see if he is actually worthy of getting any more of me. If he is not a great guy then he shouldn't get in my pants. He has to have morals. And values. And passion (well I know he has passion). But anyway I want to see these qualities before i let him get too close to me. I want to make sure he ticks the boxes of being a nice guy with a heart of gold. Sexual attraction is one thing but to get into my pants the guy has to be so much more. For now though... I can safely admit that I am loving first base and would be happy to do it for a couple of hours a day. It burns calories too!

When there is nothing left to say/ Ex sex

Because I've been going through a break up I've had so many conversations about why it happened and what went wrong. Conversations about what he said, what I said, how he feels, how I feel, what's he going to do, what am I going to do... what we are not going to do ergh the list is endless! When does it stop? I'm sick of talking about it. I'm sick of thinking about it and quite frankly I'm sick of it being a part of my life. Every day that has passed since we broke up we have talked about "our breakup" and it's exhausting.

If it's broken and we are not going to fix it why keep talking about why it is in pieces? Or even worse why keep talking about the pieces? The big pieces that still look nice and that we still want to keep. Or the shattered pieces which are all over the floor and we have no desire to pick them up again. I feel like we have just been going around and around in circles and finally it's just time to get out the dustpan and broom, pick it all up and dump it in the trash. It was a nice vase, but its broken, it's not going to hold water and flowers in it anymore. You can't use it for something else either. It's just too far gone.

This morning I hit that point. I just finally realised that I had been going about this totally the wrong way. I had wanted to stay friends but at the end of the day that's not going to work if we still want to sleep with each other is it? Even if we both understand that the love is not there connecting sexually is just going to bring us together again and then we are in the same situation as before. Awesome sex, but no future. What is the point in that? I'm sure sex with someone else will be just as good. It will probably even be better seeing as there is non of the hang ups that are connected to a relationship that is over. No let me rephrase that. Where the love is over but there is still a relationship. What's the point in having sex with your ex?

So freakin confused right now!

How the hell do people do this? How do people fill up their empty space with someone else when they know that the someone else is not the one but they are just doing what they "should" be doing? How do you last through an entire night without thinking about that person, without remembering their touch and without wondering what could've been? How do you not bore everyone to tears retelling stories of the past over and over again recalling all the recent events and how they have affected you? No one wants to hear about that shit over and over again? Why would they want to? But how can you sit there and laugh and carry on and pretend everything is ok and that you don't miss him, or think about him, or wish that when you are sleeping in the bed that he once shared, that he was their again?

I just went out with a huge bunch of people and I had such a great time. But somehow he was always in the back of my mind. And Shopboy has been texting constantly. He wants to catch up again. Ergh I can't do this! I'm just not ready! I miss my ex.

How soon is too soon?

Cute message from shopboy today...

"Is it worrying that I want to see you again?"

My reply..

"Haha hmmm let me think now... I believe that would be considered completely natural ;-p xx"

Shopboy

"Well when ur not busy... Just holler.."

I still haven't decided yet how I feel about this matter, hence why I didn't suggest another time to catch up. Hmm it's just kinda hard cause my ex is still on my mind. And I know shopboy is in the same situation, being recently single himself, but I just don't want to rush into anything and I know he likes me, obviously I am a refreshing change to his ex... but... ergh I don't know.

Hanging out will lead to more kissing and kissing leads to other things and I just don't think I want to do the whole rebound thing. And I'm also not ready for another full blown relationship either because my heart still has a piece in it that belongs to my ex. I think until that is gone it is not fair to be with someone else. Is it?

How soon is too soon after you have broken up? How do you gauge when you are ready? I know my body responds to his but is that really a realistic indication? Of course my body is going to respond when some Italian hottie puts the moves on... hmmm argh grrr confusion is a bitch!

The first (post ex) kiss

Oh my god the first kiss! It felt so strange being with someone that isn't my boyfriend (ex boyfriend I mean). Someone else's touch, the heat of his skin on mine, his lips kissing down my neck and his arms pulling me in close to his body. It was weird. But it was nice. And the more he kissed me the more natural it became.

It all happened because I finally agreed to see a movie with him. I thought a movie was quite casual. No drinking. No talking. No flirting opportunities. I thought it was a safe way to ease back into the world of dating. Two hours before he changed it to dinner and a movie. So I met him for dinner. And we talked. And we flirted. And he looked at me with those big brown Italian eyes and he told me his story. And we connected. By the time the movie came around I was still feeling a bit awkward and joking that it was NOT a date. In the movie it was like we were at high school. I kept wondering if he was going to try and hold my hand. And he did. And it felt nice having his fingers entwined with mine. But then I thought of my ex and once again I felt awkward. I pulled away. I told him I was awkward. He didn't try again. At the end of the movie he walked me to the carpark to say goodbye. I gave him a hug goodbye and a kiss on the cheek which was one of those kisses that end up being a peck on the lips because one party moves their face towards the other. I let him go, giggled and walked away. He looked at me. He said don't go and then before I knew it he had covered the two steps that were between us and hand my face in his hands and was kissing my lips softly but intensely. Pulling me closer he felt down my back and made my body move next to his. My head started to say no, but then it gave up and let itself go, loosing itself into the first kiss. That first magical kiss that makes your heart beat faster and that gives your body goose bumps. His lips were soft but they were pressed firmly against mine. Exploring my mouth like an untouched cavern. It was bliss.

In the middle of the car park, like two teenagers, we made out with everyone from the movies walking by. We forgot about the people and lost ourselves in the moment. When we finally came up for air the car park was deserted and we were the only people there. I pulled away. I said I had to go. He held my hand and he walked me to my car. He didn't want to let me go. He just kept pulling me in for more kisses. Holding my face in his hands, stroking my hair, biting my neck and running his fingers down my spine. God I was confused. I liked it. But it was new and strange and not the man I was used to. For most people a rebound kiss happens on a drunken night out. I was completely sober. I still had my ex in my thoughts. I couldn't help it. But I did like it. And it did feel nice having strong arms wrapped around me. It has been a long time.

Hmm what next! He has already called and texted and it's only been an hour since I left him in the car park.

Independent Woman

I've been doing a lot of thinking and I realised that over the years I earned a small fortune yet all I have to show for it is 3 wardrobes of clothes, a bunch of shoes and some jewelry. And at the end of the day those things are not exactly going to set me up for life are they? And I certainly can't rely on my parents to help me out! And most men are obsessed with making their own money so I doubt one will take the time out to teach me how to invest my own. It's time I take control of my future and devise a financial strategy for 2011 and beyond.

I don't want to work just for money. I want to earn money and then have my money work for me! I want there to be a time in my life where I don't actually have to go to work day in and day out if I don't want to. I want to be able to have an income from non-wage related sources so in the event that I can't work, or don't want to (if I get sick, want to travel, or have babies) I still have a substantial income and can live the life that I want to.

So far I have worked out that in order to build my wealth instead of spending my money on things like clothes and shoes, I need to spend it on assets, or rather things that will some day generate an income for me such as stocks, bonds, real estate, mutual funds, or intellectual property. The problem here is that although I know that these can generate an income for me I have no idea about how they work, or how to go about buying them, or selling them for that matter. I don't know the in's and out's and this is something I need to learn if I want to be an independent woman and financially free.

Anyone want to teach me?

The "almost" date

Lying Disaster

A certain someone knew what she was getting under the Christmas tree early... and it turned out that she needed it a few days before Christmas for a hot date. Well this girl snuck into the lounge room that night and unwrapped her present 3 days before Christmas. So no one would know she put a fake present the same shape under the tree and then she had planned to use the present then wrap it back up before Christmas and sneak it back under the tree. In theory it was a great idea. No one would know! So as she was wearing the present on her date she ruined it and it was beyond repair. She couldn't rewrap it and put it back under the tree. What to do. She didn't want to get caught but she obviously couldn't confess what she had done. She came up with a solution. Hide the fake present that was sitting under the tree and on Christmas day she just hoped the person who gave it to her wouldn't notice that it was missing. They did. They searched high and low for the missing present all day. The girl kept saying "no I think that was all the presents. Don't worry about it". The person who gave it to her was really worried and depressed because she knew how much the girl had wanted the present! She looked everywhere. In the lounge room, in the rubbish bin, and all through the car. It was no where to be found. Suddenly she realised she may have accidentally put it in the bag of presents that was to go to her partners family. She called her partner and got him to search the house, meanwhile the girl is eavesdropping on the conversation feeling terrible to have caused all the drama. The partner and his family search high and low and finally conclude that they must have burnt it in the fire with all the used wrapping paper. They felt really bad and apologised a lot. Little did they know that the girl had actually stolen the present early, used it, destroyed it, and then had to pretend she didn't!

Too funny. I almost peed my pants when I got told this story today. I think the girl learnt her lesson and won't go unwrapping presents early next year!

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you had a fantastic day and shared lots of love with your family and friends.

Finally a pick up line that worked

Haha so I was leaning against a railing at a shopping center eating sushi and this totally hot guy walked past. I was checking him out (as you do) and he caught me looking and started laughing at me. I smiled back and then to my surprise he walked over and said "so um can I please borrow 5 minutes of your time?" Of course I said "of course". He explained to me that he has been working really hard and that he was last minute Christmas shopping and needed help figuring out what to get his sister in law for Christmas. I came up with a few suggestions and then he had such a lost look on his face that I offered to go with him and help him find the shop I was talking about.

We ended up getting slightly lost on the way and chatted constantly. He told me he had just come out of a 5 year relationship and that usually his girlfriend would be helping him with this sort of stuff and that basically he had no clue what to buy anyone. I confessed that I too recently broke up and that I was finding it weird getting attention from boys other than my ex. I guess from there it took the pressure off and we ended up spending the whole afternoon together getting to know each other and buying presents for his whole family. It was great! It's so strange that yesterday I was writing a blog about how it made me feel uncomfortable being touched by another man, yet here I was a day later being touched and flirted with and I felt totally at ease. I think it was because it was day time, because he was newly single and had his own things to work through, and also because we were doing the thing I love most- shopping!

We walked side by side around the shops playing with toys for kids, spraying perfume, and laughing and giggling like two little school kids. It was nice. And it was refreshing. We talked about family, about our past relationships, about what went wrong, why they weren't right, what we want out of life and everything in between. It's so funny how life throws these curve balls at you just to mix things up a little.

I remember a couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog about love and other catastrophes. About how meeting someone new makes your heart beat a little bit faster, makes you nervous with anticipation and kinda makes you giddy with desire. It's so true. And the funny thing is I was talking to a girlfriend today and she was asking my advice because since she has fallen in love she has gone from being a confident independent woman to second guessing herself for no reason. My reply was "I'm not gonna say love is fucked because I love love, but fuck it fucks you up!" And it's true and I still believe that even with all the down points and all the heartbreak after the love is over, and all the hard times during the love, it is still the best thing on earth and the reason why humans exist. It has to be. And i'm not saying I love this new guy after a day or anything like that but it did make my heart jump a little and my body responded to his touch just the way it should do with someone you click with. It reminded me not to be scared of new men, and to let people in because the connection and the experience is worth it in the end.

After hours mucking around together and buying presents for his mum, dad, brother, sister in law, niece AND his ex girlfriend (I got her a massage gift voucher- nice- says I still care about you, but doesn't say I love you and want you back like jewelry or something personal)... anyway after hours of shopping and talking and flirting he walked me to my car and we said our good byes. It was the perfect ending to a perfect day with a complete stranger and I loved every minute of it. And I prey to god he doesn't read this but I just thought it was too random and nice not to share.

xox

PS: And that first text that makes ur heart skip a beat... well it was a cracka! But that's another story...

Ergh Don't touch me

My girlfriend called this morning for a "debrief" on all the action and goss from last night. One of the things she said to me was quite interesting. There was this boy and he kept touching me and trying to put his arm around me, I kept doing dance moves that would get me out of his reach because I didn't want to be touched, or flirted with, or told sweet nothings... and he was doing it all, trying in vain to get my attention and it was clearly obvious to everyone watching. Anyway my friend said "isn't in nice though to know how smitten he was by you? He kept telling me how he thought you were the most amazing woman he has ever met. He was in awe. Doesn't it make you feel good to know that you have that effect on men?" I said no. And I meant it. It actually ruined my night and is why I left after he whispered in my ear "why are you playing hard to get?". I wasn't playing anything. I just wasn't interested in him in that way. And the constant attention made me feel awkward. Sure he was good looking and a nice guy, and I enjoyed his company but that was it. I went out to have a carefree night. A night where I could just let loose and be myself and not have to answer to anyone or to impress anyone or to bother with meaningless conversations and pick up lines.

I remember a couple of years ago I would have felt exactly the same way as my friend. I would have got off on the attention and it would have boosted my ego. Now, although I was flattered, I really just want to do my own thing when I go out and it has absolutely no effect on me whatsoever in terms of being a confidence boost or adding to my ego. As I thought about this more I realised it's because I don't need someone else to make me feel confident or worthy or attractive. In the last couple of years I have been through so much and survived so much and grown so much as a person I realise that I actually just rely on myself for all those things now. And I think that's the way I like it.

I feel stronger as a person knowing that I have an energy running through my veins that is not based on others opinions of me, that is actually based on my opinion of myself and the kind of person I know that I am. And I realise that saying all this in a public domain may get some negative feedback from readers but who the hell cares! I sat and wrote a blog when I was in hospital worrying about what was going to happen to me. I told everyone over facebook when the surgeons said my only option was to get my intestines removed. And I even admitted when my boyfriend and I broke up over email. I got through all that embarrassment. And I got through all the hard times. I woke up one morning and decided that I refuse to be sick anymore. I surrounded myself with positivity and great people and I got better and so now I really don't care what others think, whether it is good or bad.

The fact is that I am who I am and I have good qualities and bad qualities and everyone on earth has good and bad qualities. The guy last night saw me being me and he was impressed. But he didn't see me sick in hospital, and he doesn't know how crappy I look in the morning, or how I take everything to heart, or how I procrastinate with all my decisions, or constantly contradict myself. He didn't get to experience me upset, or angry, or nervous. He just saw what he saw and made an opinion of me based on that. And although that night it was an extremely positive opinion of me, if he had seen me in another light or on another day it could've just as easily been a negative opinion. The guy that will impress me will be the guy that sees it all, the good and the bad, and still loves me anyway.

We humans are quick to judge and sometimes we judge on the most shallowest of things.

weak in the knees...

issey miyake absolutely without a doubt makes me lose it! Fuck! When I'm in a bar or walking down the street and I smell it on a man I instantly stop, turn around, and my heart starts pounding!

A certain someone (who will remain nameless) has been wearing this scent every time I see him. It is driving me insane! Ergh! Men if you are going to do this to me please please please just warn me in advance and be prepared for me to stalk you! When it comes to issey my body has a mind of its own. I am NOT responsible! I repeat. I am NOT responsible. All bets are off!!!

Shake it baby you won't break it

Yieeeeeewwwwwww how fucking awesome is going out and not drinking! Senfuckingsational! Just had the best night and was the only sober person there. Didn't hold me back one little bit! In fact I would even go so far as to say I probably had more real conversations, more real connections, and more real "moments" than anyone else in the club. And honestly... how great is dancing!

Hot and sweaty... writhing... wriggling... pulsating. Bumping and grinding and letting your body lose itself into the music. Feeling the beat right inside your bones. Letting the melody take over. Dancing lets the spirit run free. Dancing lets you lose your inhibitions. Dancing lifts you up and takes you to another level that can only be experienced in that particular second that you are in. Dancing makes the heart smile and the eyes twinkle. Dancing makes your soul sing. There is nothing else like it on earth.

Dating Disaster!

Arrgh tonight was the worst date EVER!!! Well at least it wasn't my date, but gosh it was soooo bad I thought I had better share the story. You might want to sit down for this one.

So.. the other day I was walking down the beach and ran into this hot guy I haven't seen for ages. We chatted for a bit and then went on our merry little way. A little later it occurred to me that this guy would be perfect for my friend and my friend would be perfect for him.

1st They are both HOT and each others 'type'

2nd They both want to settle down and have a family

3rd They both like nature and outdoor activities, but also the finer things in life

4th He likes naughty but nice in a girl and she is wife-like but naughty in the bedroom

See... Perfect match! Well pretty good anyway. So... this was a couple of weeks ago and I've been texting my little arse off to organise a discreet meet and greet. Tonight was the night! We had it all planned... He would bring a couple of guys, I would bring my friend and another girl, we would meet for drinks and dinner at an awesome new place in Bondi, and we would see where the night took them! Hmm well that was the plan!

The reality was that I ended up being the dinner date with the boys and the girls got drunk and ditched us at the last minute. A few hours later we went to the pub to meet them. I introduced the hot guy to my friend and she promptly turned her back on him, slurred her words and tipped over a glass of champagne. The next 20minutes passed with a few titty comments, some drunken slurred conversation and a lot of looking around and walking off! Drunky mc drunk drunk! So.. we weren't in dating hell yet but it all went downhill from there :(

We decide to bail to a roof top party on the beach at Bondi. Walking out of the pub my girlfriend (who I dearly love and think is the best!) walks straight out on the road and was about 5cm's away from getting hit by a big mafia looking dude in a car! At this point the hot guy is thinking "oh fuck what have I got myself in for here". 2 seconds later my darling friend runs out on the road again but this jumps into a taxi! There were 5 of us heading to the party so obviously we couldn't all fit in so my two girlfriends jump in and I'm left with the boys. They call us a second later asking where we are going. Fast Forward to the main street of Bondi where we enter a bottle shop. My girlfriend smashes a bottle of red wine! 100 meters down the road she trips down a gutter and almost twists her ankle! As the hottie was helping her up she slurred "wanna grab my tits a little more next time". Not a good look so far and not exactly living up to the "wife material" description I had advertised. Hmm next up a change into thongs for a safer walk to the party, and a little bit of falling over and rolling around in the grass near the footpath. And then argh we look the other way for a minute and my poor friend is heading out into the middle of the road and laying down as 4 cars come speeding down it! Fuck! This is out of control! McHottie runs into the road, stops traffic and saves her, picking her up and bringing her to the safety of the sidewalk! Ohhh night in shining amour!

Ok from that incident we obviously we tried our best to put her into a cab but she wouldn't have a bar of it! Aghh so we gave up and wandered a little further down the street to climb the stairs to the roof top party! Thank god no incidences on the stairs and actually on the roof the two of them had conversation and I was beginning to think this may not end so badly after all. But then my girlfriend needs to go to the bathroom and disappears by herself. While we are looking for her she cut her foot open on glass, and went to the road again where 3 drunk guys tried to pick her up/ molest her. She ran away and jumped in a cab and went home.

My poor friend. What if that was the guy of her dreams and she just destroyed any chance of even finding out because she was so utterly shit faced! Fair enough she had been drinking for 6 hours before we arrived so it is actually probably my fault for taking the guy to the pub to meet her in the first place. No actually it is her fault for not turning up to dinner. If she had of come to dinner she wouldn't have been so drunk and at least he would have had a chance to see her good side! And she really does have so many good parts. The most of anyone I know. I have honestly never seen her so drunk, or anyone that drunk for that matter. Poor love. The hottie was good about it. I feel sorry for him too. He thought he was meeting the girl of his dreams and ended up a little disappointed.

Everyone says set ups are bad. I honestly thought this was a match made in heaven. And actually I have seen him pretty drunk over the years so it's not like it doesn't happen to everyone once in a while. Maybe I can try again with the set up, but perhaps a breakfast, or lunch this time, with no alcohol. Or perhaps it just wasn't meant to be :(

I just want them both to find love and be happy.

Open ur eyes

I often say to people that it is the little things in life that give you the most happiness if you open your eyes and experience them for what they are.

Others often say that timing is everything.

Timing and opening your eyes = happiness. Simple logic.

Yesterday as I settled into seat 36A (on my flight to Sydney) I pulled out my eye cover and made the decision to catch up on some much needed sleep. As I enetered the rehlm of darkness my dreams took over me and I slept in a perfect delight. About an hour into the flight something stirred inside of me. A little voice told me to take off the cover and look out the window. When I followed my intuition, what I saw took my breathe away.

Below me the earth was covered in darkness. My gaze extended over the land, out towards the ocean, and the up to stare at the moon. Suddenly as we moved the angle of the moon changed and the light it reflected beamed off the waterways below. One by one lakes, rivers and streams were lit up from the darkness revealing paths in the earth that would otherwise have gone unoticed. It was like a scene out of a fairytale where magic is in the air and incredible things happen. Like in Ferngully when Christa takes Zac into the forest to show him the hidden beauty.

Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8V5P-a8PkE

There are things like this that surround us every day in life and it is only when you open your eyes at the right time that you get to experience the magic. Tonight I followed my intuition and I opened my eyes at the right time. I saw something magnificant. I was mesmerized

Love, life, and suffering

About love...

"At first, when we truly love someone, our greatest fear is that the loved one will stop loving us. What we should fear and dread, of course, is that we won't stop loving them, even after they're gone. For I still love you with the whole of my heart. I still love you. And sometimes, the love that I have, and can't give to you, crushes the breath from my chest. Sometimes, even now, my heart is drowning in a sorrow that has no stars without you, and no laughter, and no sleep."

About life...

"That's the whole point of it. A man has to find a good woman, and when he finds her he has to win her love. Then he has to earn her respect. Then he has to cherish her trust. And then he has to, like, go on doing that for as long as they live. Until they both die. That's what it's all about. That's the most important thing in the world. That's what a man is. A man is truly a man when he wins the love of a good woman, earns her respect, and keeps her trust. Until you can do that, you're not a man."

About suffering...

"Suffering is happiness backwards. When we're young, we think that suffering is something that is done to us. When we get older- when the steel door slams shut, in one way or the other- we know that suffering is measured by what is taken away from us."

Shantaram.

The Truth As I Know It

Two things I know are true

1. You can travel everywhere in the world, and live in the greatest luxury that exists, but if you are not sharing those experiences with the people you love, then you will not be 100% fulfilled. Love and connectedness is the best thing that life has to offer. That is why everyone is continually searching for it.

2. Giving selflessly to others provides the greatest feeling of fulfillment, and satisfaction in life. If you want to be happy, then give yourself, your time, and your money to those who need it more. Doing good makes you feel good.

xox

Talisha

LOVE and other catastrophes

It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, life buzzes around and continues in little circles of pain and heartbreak and lust and love. Sitting in a coffee shop watching passers by . Their touching. Their togetherness. It is the same all over the world. It doesn’t matter who people are, or where they come from, everyone has the same issues at some time or another. Essentially we are all looking for love, we all want to be fulfilled in life, and we all want to succeed in some way. We search for the meaning of life. Many of us search for meaning through our relationships with others.

In life we all meet people, we all fall in love, and we all experience heartbreak. It can leave us feeling lost and in a tunnel that seems like it has no end. It can break us and make us empty. It can lead us into a darkness that we feel we can never get out of. But if we don’t have the heartbreak, we can’t have the love. And my how beautiful love is.

All over the world people in love have stars in their eyes and smiles on their faces. They walk down the street holding hands, they cuddle in doorways and passages, they kiss under the moonlight and they whisper in coffee shops. Love lifts people up and makes them feel invincible. It gives them wings and makes them feel on top of the world. Why then when it ends do people feel so devastated? We were lucky enough to experience love even if for only a brief moment in time. We should be grateful, give thanks, and appreciate the amazing experience that we were lucky enough to have. For love, with all its might and glory, is the best thing on earth!

This is what fascinates me about love.

It is the magic of experiencing the butterflies and the hesitation. The getting to know someone, and the ticking over that goes on in your brain as you try to visualize if their interests match with your lifestyle. I love the first kiss. The nervousness and the anticipation. The expectation of a call the day after, or of a text saying “thanks for a great night”. I love it when someone touches your skin for the first time and it makes you get goose bumps, or it lights you up from the inside and your body begins to heat up. I love it when you feel close enough to someone to let them in and you trust them and you start to feel that little pang that indicates that you think you like them and you want to let them get closer. You might start to worry that they might not like you back. And then you run away or you jump right in. You take a leap of faith and you fall down the rabbit hole that we call love and if you’re smart you never look back. You live it. You love it. You enjoy it for what it is. And when it disappears you pick yourself up, you dust yourself off, you thank the universe for letting you have such a great feeling and then you get on with life and wait for the next nervous fantastic fascinating encounter with a completely new and exciting person. And the best thing is… each love is never the same!

Bondi Beach 5am

First day of the rest of my life!

Today is the first day of the rest of my life! How exciting! I can’t wait for the day that I wake up out of hospital and can walk into our kitchen and make a fresh juice. To look outside and see the hustle and bustle of Bondi. To open the door and walk out into the sunshine and see the ocean. To feel the sun shining down on me and the breeze in the air! Am so excited just to be able to walk on the beach and feel the sand in between my toes. To reach down and stretch, to look up into the sky and not see fluorescent hospital lights.

I’m excited at the thought of having breaky at Rose Bay Marina (my favourite thing to do!). I’m excited to eat vegemite and avocado on toast while watching the boats come in and out of the harbour. Hell.. I’m excited at the thought of being on a boat again in the harbour!

And for all of my hobbies that I’ll be able to do again:

• Yoga
• Meditation
• Body Balance
• Golf
• Cooking
• Photography
• Writing my book

I could even start those singing lessons finally! Dancing… I can’t wait to learn to ski and sail down a mountain slope!

I’m excited at the thought of being well enough to go to Bali with my little sister to show her the world. I can’t wait to check in and walk through immigration with her! To sit on the uncomfy seats but to know that in less than 10hours the hot rancid smell of Bali will be cruising down our nostrils! Woooo sooooo excited! And then the idea of waking up and browsing shops and buying heaps of clothes and accessories! God I can’t wait to shop wooowwoooo!! I’m excited to take her to the monkey temples where they teach the monkeys to steal your stuff so you pay them to get it back. I’m excited at the thought of getting haggled and annoyed by the locals screaming “you want me plait your hair… manicure… massage! Oh my god I’m excited for $10 massages!!! Everything is awesome when your lying in a hospital bed and you have had a little life scare- you appreciate everything! Well I know I do now!

And then… what about the future??? What do I look forward to?

I look forward to walking my dog on the beach everyday… (when I get him).. His name is pappy (happy puppy that stands for!) He is a white Toy Poodle cross Maltese. I look forward to gardening and making an awesome vege patch like my Auntie Jeni. I’m excited to spend hours in the kitchen preparing yummy feasts for my friends and loved ones. Feasts that melt in the mouth and heal the soul. Mmmmm mmmm!

I’m excited to work with fashion! To one day design my own pieces and share them with the worls. I’m excited to spend hours hunting around second hand stores for bargains, to alter them, and make them look hot. I’m excited to trawl through used books and buy 10 for $3 each and then only read little bits of them or certain chapters. I love that! I’m excited to work on my own book- to create something that people will read and learn from. I’m excited to share my knowledge and to help others!

And… I’m excited to live in the moment. To have had the realization that life could end at any moment is a huge thing. I’m excited to just try to take each day as it comes, stay in the present moment and just enjoy the little things that truly make me happy. Bring on life! I love you!

Infleximab #1 Gone Inside! Can’t sleep- Too excited about the thought of getting better!

3.18am 20/10/2010