Ergh Don't touch me

My girlfriend called this morning for a "debrief" on all the action and goss from last night. One of the things she said to me was quite interesting. There was this boy and he kept touching me and trying to put his arm around me, I kept doing dance moves that would get me out of his reach because I didn't want to be touched, or flirted with, or told sweet nothings... and he was doing it all, trying in vain to get my attention and it was clearly obvious to everyone watching. Anyway my friend said "isn't in nice though to know how smitten he was by you? He kept telling me how he thought you were the most amazing woman he has ever met. He was in awe. Doesn't it make you feel good to know that you have that effect on men?" I said no. And I meant it. It actually ruined my night and is why I left after he whispered in my ear "why are you playing hard to get?". I wasn't playing anything. I just wasn't interested in him in that way. And the constant attention made me feel awkward. Sure he was good looking and a nice guy, and I enjoyed his company but that was it. I went out to have a carefree night. A night where I could just let loose and be myself and not have to answer to anyone or to impress anyone or to bother with meaningless conversations and pick up lines.

I remember a couple of years ago I would have felt exactly the same way as my friend. I would have got off on the attention and it would have boosted my ego. Now, although I was flattered, I really just want to do my own thing when I go out and it has absolutely no effect on me whatsoever in terms of being a confidence boost or adding to my ego. As I thought about this more I realised it's because I don't need someone else to make me feel confident or worthy or attractive. In the last couple of years I have been through so much and survived so much and grown so much as a person I realise that I actually just rely on myself for all those things now. And I think that's the way I like it.

I feel stronger as a person knowing that I have an energy running through my veins that is not based on others opinions of me, that is actually based on my opinion of myself and the kind of person I know that I am. And I realise that saying all this in a public domain may get some negative feedback from readers but who the hell cares! I sat and wrote a blog when I was in hospital worrying about what was going to happen to me. I told everyone over facebook when the surgeons said my only option was to get my intestines removed. And I even admitted when my boyfriend and I broke up over email. I got through all that embarrassment. And I got through all the hard times. I woke up one morning and decided that I refuse to be sick anymore. I surrounded myself with positivity and great people and I got better and so now I really don't care what others think, whether it is good or bad.

The fact is that I am who I am and I have good qualities and bad qualities and everyone on earth has good and bad qualities. The guy last night saw me being me and he was impressed. But he didn't see me sick in hospital, and he doesn't know how crappy I look in the morning, or how I take everything to heart, or how I procrastinate with all my decisions, or constantly contradict myself. He didn't get to experience me upset, or angry, or nervous. He just saw what he saw and made an opinion of me based on that. And although that night it was an extremely positive opinion of me, if he had seen me in another light or on another day it could've just as easily been a negative opinion. The guy that will impress me will be the guy that sees it all, the good and the bad, and still loves me anyway.

We humans are quick to judge and sometimes we judge on the most shallowest of things.